memory & the short gain of time

does time really go by faster? or is the past just easier to recall?
details now easily flood our minds...memories without much force can move us & sway us. yesterday could be a year ago, a month ago, or just yesterday. but the gap of time is ruined by the sharpness of memory.

amends

sticky. sticky. sticky.
we peel off the scabs of our wounds, it is bluntly torturous.
but we continue solely driven by impatience.
we are anxious for a resolution.
something we could say, do, just to make this conflict go away.
little do we remember.
time has the power to heal all wounds is usually the case,
but not so much in some instances,
because with time comes the losing of memories.
we never believed that all was spoiled, the past was luscious, take a bite out of its flesh & you feel...ecstasy. but my God! the future, it is air, & when we try to take a bite we find our teeth snapping together, bone against bone, & a chaotic feeling immerses our pride as we walk away from the wreckage...the flapping pages of a cherished journal.
we don't want them to forget us, but a bigger fear would be cherry red blood, flowing, & pain luminating out of pupils of black. to pick, to poke, to test the waters after the shark attack. we, with patience of a child long for our PRIZE! OUR COMFORT! THE REBIRTH OF LOST LOVES! of lost friendships, of lost purpose. we practice that self-control & fail ourselves countless times, pleading "let this be it! let me finally have my answer!"
it is silence, it is failure, it is torture, it is passion, multiple gut wrenching climaxes of the heaviest sighs known to man.
to have been forgotten, unforgiven, still sore, bitter, awkward & unwanted.
we face multiple hearts, cracked by another's, by each other's. some still warm beating with hope, some turned to stone silent & still, some cold & dead with only sharpness & cynicism.

i must forgive to be forgiven.

bean

i'm trying to find a metaphor.
trying to find a metaphor.
"find a metaphor!"

i can't.
all i can say is that i really do miss that friendship. it had an awkward tension to it which not many of my friendships have left to them. it kept me on my toes. before i really gained control over who i wasn't supposed to be. i feel guilty, for numerous things. always being short, or naive & reckless with my words. i really cut with my sarcasm & criticism. i wish i could take all of that back.
i can't.

listen to sun kil moon

jacob's ladder. jumping beans. the spinner. the organ. the spoons. the combs. the brush. the stairs.

i love my grandma & miss her.
time for a visit.

i have 17 minutes until takeoff.

masks melting in front of a peculiar peace in soul. tranquility's best friend was silence, is silence. standing so still, acquaintances with one perspective & then moments later, an author of its biography. the lost heat of blood flow creates spiritual roots in the earth below, transporting thoughts of calm tides into the core of a heart for billions. God's pencil dropped on a piece of black paper, & this flesh was born. a world inside of a world, whose world does it contain? a microscopic transcendental gift lost in the loops of shag carpeting, in the vents of rooms like a coin, in the boxes stacked in closets, in the crevasses of internal nerves. value to someone, to an experience, to a personal gain, to a possible change, a revolution, a revelation, valuable.
how deeply buried it must be.
how deeply our eyes must see.
how deeply our hearts must yearn.

jynweythek ylow

baby take a stand, for what you believe in.

a teleportation of myself from the future. speaking through me, oh the cruel temptations of tomorrow's breath, sighing on the tense skin of the back of my neck.
you said california, you said texas, you said olympia, you said new york, you said distance, i said distance. we all say distance, hoorah! we all say goodbye, *silence.
this is 18 years of my life.
these are the moments i've collected for permanent stay so far:
mud football & stepping out of shame
the day my father & i chased a rainbow, saw windmill, climbed a mountain, & watched the sun fall asleep
the morning i woke up & drove for an hour just to talk to God in complete silence
the day Pippin showed me he was an angel
the night when my friends & i laid on the dock & look at those dreamy stars
the moment i saw my father cry
laying in a warm bed with a friend listening to "stone in focus" for three straight hours
driving to oregon with jacob
running away to the Horse Heaven Hills with rage in my blood after he said he didn't care for me
the summer my family & i went to manzanita
driving up to santa fe & having to pile in the back of the van
getting kidnapped by ian
drives with my sister, kate on random errands
going with my dad to the river & watching him fish
going sledding with erin in winter of '03
the river with blake & the innertube moment
nicole & i's fourth of july experience
poodle
...this is just a small section

HHH

please listen to music is math by boards of canada while you read this.

i find that today was revitalizing. body, mind, soul.
i ran up that those hills, i drove up those hills, i conquered those hills.
we conquered those hills.
hazy skies couldn't mask the distant horizon, an estimated 250 miles away.
it makes one appreciate the eyes in their tombs of flesh.
forever gazing at the beauty of our world.
pains in the chest after running uphill, haha, even more refreshing & fulfilling.
"where did you find this place?"
"my dad showed it to me."
"oh so when you were little he took you here?"
"yeah, he takes me here a lot, i love it."

i was really glad to be able to share that view with more people.
it makes you reconnect with nature & the ebb & flow of energy around you.
it makes one thankful for each breath they intake, because it's an opportunity, to experience..
the beautiful

the knee cleavage.

strange dreams.
that first time.

an awkward annoying call. leads to another awkward call for favors & pancake lies. transported to my duke in distress as a warm body for his clammy hands to hold.

that dream was so metaphorical of that moment. almost symmetrical in another dimension. i'll warm your hands, feel your breath in the curve of my neck. wonder why your impulses frighten me. like playing a piano, knowing the waves of sound can only be remembered for a limited amount of time. it's better that way, it makes fibs easier to eat & digest; their filth tasting good & pure to the innocent.

such a confusing dream. such a real dream. if i say, "i need to forget it," i know it will only stay longer than desired. why would a thought be planted?

5..4...3..2...1...
never again.

pioneer peter

the gnashing of teeth leaves the jaws tired, the mind ringing, & the eyes of one rolling.

you can say what you want but i know who i am. you can say what you need to say in order to feel dominant.

i have people who have known me for years & years, & i value their opinion so much more than yours.

it's sad that you think it does.

God infuses my soul with a calm understanding, you are a stranger, & He is my friend.
He chooses to give me breath, & that is what makes me important enough to keep on going.
so don't look to me for reactions. you won't find any.

reality

can i tell that you're not one
to trifle with?
to stifle with?
weak & meek & always failing.
not as an individual,
not as a human being,
but as that fit into me.

personal coldness is honesty born without mercy.
the past has given me reasons to believe that mercy leads to hope,
& hope leads to misunderstandings.
i do not offer hope.
i offer reality.

cherry blossoms

it's difficult when the deaf begin to cry. explanations scarcely calm their torn souls.
it's scary when you breath in an independent breath, & wonder why you chose it.

too terrible to utter the future's possibilities if i were to go yonder in that windy direction.
put up my sails & we'll glide to tomorrow.

deep blue sea

those seas out there which i inhale
with the strength of a fleeting gale.
they call my name as if by fate
we'll take you to the serene place.
quite frankly i do yearn to go
to strange places i do not know.

the sun as my time telling friend
make me feel older with each bend.
coos of the gulls in the sky
captivate both mine ear & eye.
i walk as sand slips off my skin
to the water my faithful kin.

your warm bosom of salt & waves
cracking soul quenches & saves.
to unknown lengths we will remain
forever, eternal, always the same.

appreciate but don't dedicate

your definition of love truly changes as the suns set & the wasted time causes regrets. you want to know what it really is meant to be. i'd much rather have a companion than a lover. i guess i'm a fighter, but i don't think that's wrong.

rhubarb pie & marshmallow smiles
fall apart crust & toast the surface
as the blasphemy eats away definitions.
duck quacks & a trail of crumpled paper
fluff the feathers & line the rat cages
as the tone turns into annoyance.
pigeon coos & oars spinning side waters
excretes on reality & blurs reflections
as the truth sets in a rippling sigh.



it's strange how the world is so real, & yet i don't want to believe it.
appreciate, but don't dedicate.

bluesy folk

cut up my lungs to feel my breath
runnin in & out of my breasts
i got a notion to give you a call
i got emotions that cause me to fall
burn the papers i held so tight
in the wee hours of lonesome nights
i got a feelin to tell you my mind
i got wisdom that makes it unwind
throw pink cells into the trash
pull out the bottle & secret stash
i got a stone in the pit of my gut
i got regrets about my old mutt

i....I....i.....I

i roll the chair's wheels over the edges of my 90's pajama hand-me-downs twice ran & like the feeling of them tugging at me each time i move. i listen to the same song over & over again because it reminds me of the electricity which runs through my brain when i am feeling most fluent in thought. i think about a boy i love living in a snowy town just like my white hills & how he's thinking of me & basking in the warmth of his flowing red blood cells. i yearn for the next hour when dreams will trickle into my spine & cause my subconscious mind to breathe & finally get the chance to unwind in spontaneity & a sort of classical melodic rhythm for a time. i reflect on the times when i have felt this same way as i feel now, but in a way much more empty & short-lived manner & what this means to my future, how this has come about, & if it is going to last much longer. i believe in something bigger than myself & find comfort in the knowledge that there is a reason my heart beats in time with my faith, that it has never spoken lies to me, that i have never felt unsure of what the truth in fact was, & that the ideas others try to present seem so much less than what i have as of right now, what i have had for as long as i can remember.
God has changed for me over the years, He has led me to fall in love with Him countless times, & i can never thank Him enough for that kind of blessing.

ramble amble

i ate a bumblebee breakfast burrito
to see what all the buzz was about.
not sweet enough,
no substance at all,
& much too high a price.
i ate a bumblebee breakfast burrito
to see what all the buzz was about.
that buzz was just a homonym.