memory & the short gain of time

does time really go by faster? or is the past just easier to recall?
details now easily flood our minds...memories without much force can move us & sway us. yesterday could be a year ago, a month ago, or just yesterday. but the gap of time is ruined by the sharpness of memory.

amends

sticky. sticky. sticky.
we peel off the scabs of our wounds, it is bluntly torturous.
but we continue solely driven by impatience.
we are anxious for a resolution.
something we could say, do, just to make this conflict go away.
little do we remember.
time has the power to heal all wounds is usually the case,
but not so much in some instances,
because with time comes the losing of memories.
we never believed that all was spoiled, the past was luscious, take a bite out of its flesh & you feel...ecstasy. but my God! the future, it is air, & when we try to take a bite we find our teeth snapping together, bone against bone, & a chaotic feeling immerses our pride as we walk away from the wreckage...the flapping pages of a cherished journal.
we don't want them to forget us, but a bigger fear would be cherry red blood, flowing, & pain luminating out of pupils of black. to pick, to poke, to test the waters after the shark attack. we, with patience of a child long for our PRIZE! OUR COMFORT! THE REBIRTH OF LOST LOVES! of lost friendships, of lost purpose. we practice that self-control & fail ourselves countless times, pleading "let this be it! let me finally have my answer!"
it is silence, it is failure, it is torture, it is passion, multiple gut wrenching climaxes of the heaviest sighs known to man.
to have been forgotten, unforgiven, still sore, bitter, awkward & unwanted.
we face multiple hearts, cracked by another's, by each other's. some still warm beating with hope, some turned to stone silent & still, some cold & dead with only sharpness & cynicism.

i must forgive to be forgiven.

bean

i'm trying to find a metaphor.
trying to find a metaphor.
"find a metaphor!"

i can't.
all i can say is that i really do miss that friendship. it had an awkward tension to it which not many of my friendships have left to them. it kept me on my toes. before i really gained control over who i wasn't supposed to be. i feel guilty, for numerous things. always being short, or naive & reckless with my words. i really cut with my sarcasm & criticism. i wish i could take all of that back.
i can't.

listen to sun kil moon

jacob's ladder. jumping beans. the spinner. the organ. the spoons. the combs. the brush. the stairs.

i love my grandma & miss her.
time for a visit.

i have 17 minutes until takeoff.

masks melting in front of a peculiar peace in soul. tranquility's best friend was silence, is silence. standing so still, acquaintances with one perspective & then moments later, an author of its biography. the lost heat of blood flow creates spiritual roots in the earth below, transporting thoughts of calm tides into the core of a heart for billions. God's pencil dropped on a piece of black paper, & this flesh was born. a world inside of a world, whose world does it contain? a microscopic transcendental gift lost in the loops of shag carpeting, in the vents of rooms like a coin, in the boxes stacked in closets, in the crevasses of internal nerves. value to someone, to an experience, to a personal gain, to a possible change, a revolution, a revelation, valuable.
how deeply buried it must be.
how deeply our eyes must see.
how deeply our hearts must yearn.

jynweythek ylow

baby take a stand, for what you believe in.

a teleportation of myself from the future. speaking through me, oh the cruel temptations of tomorrow's breath, sighing on the tense skin of the back of my neck.
you said california, you said texas, you said olympia, you said new york, you said distance, i said distance. we all say distance, hoorah! we all say goodbye, *silence.
this is 18 years of my life.
these are the moments i've collected for permanent stay so far:
mud football & stepping out of shame
the day my father & i chased a rainbow, saw windmill, climbed a mountain, & watched the sun fall asleep
the morning i woke up & drove for an hour just to talk to God in complete silence
the day Pippin showed me he was an angel
the night when my friends & i laid on the dock & look at those dreamy stars
the moment i saw my father cry
laying in a warm bed with a friend listening to "stone in focus" for three straight hours
driving to oregon with jacob
running away to the Horse Heaven Hills with rage in my blood after he said he didn't care for me
the summer my family & i went to manzanita
driving up to santa fe & having to pile in the back of the van
getting kidnapped by ian
drives with my sister, kate on random errands
going with my dad to the river & watching him fish
going sledding with erin in winter of '03
the river with blake & the innertube moment
nicole & i's fourth of july experience
poodle
...this is just a small section

HHH

please listen to music is math by boards of canada while you read this.

i find that today was revitalizing. body, mind, soul.
i ran up that those hills, i drove up those hills, i conquered those hills.
we conquered those hills.
hazy skies couldn't mask the distant horizon, an estimated 250 miles away.
it makes one appreciate the eyes in their tombs of flesh.
forever gazing at the beauty of our world.
pains in the chest after running uphill, haha, even more refreshing & fulfilling.
"where did you find this place?"
"my dad showed it to me."
"oh so when you were little he took you here?"
"yeah, he takes me here a lot, i love it."

i was really glad to be able to share that view with more people.
it makes you reconnect with nature & the ebb & flow of energy around you.
it makes one thankful for each breath they intake, because it's an opportunity, to experience..
the beautiful