bean

i'm trying to find a metaphor.
trying to find a metaphor.
"find a metaphor!"

i can't.
all i can say is that i really do miss that friendship. it had an awkward tension to it which not many of my friendships have left to them. it kept me on my toes. before i really gained control over who i wasn't supposed to be. i feel guilty, for numerous things. always being short, or naive & reckless with my words. i really cut with my sarcasm & criticism. i wish i could take all of that back.
i can't.

listen to sun kil moon

jacob's ladder. jumping beans. the spinner. the organ. the spoons. the combs. the brush. the stairs.

i love my grandma & miss her.
time for a visit.

i have 17 minutes until takeoff.

masks melting in front of a peculiar peace in soul. tranquility's best friend was silence, is silence. standing so still, acquaintances with one perspective & then moments later, an author of its biography. the lost heat of blood flow creates spiritual roots in the earth below, transporting thoughts of calm tides into the core of a heart for billions. God's pencil dropped on a piece of black paper, & this flesh was born. a world inside of a world, whose world does it contain? a microscopic transcendental gift lost in the loops of shag carpeting, in the vents of rooms like a coin, in the boxes stacked in closets, in the crevasses of internal nerves. value to someone, to an experience, to a personal gain, to a possible change, a revolution, a revelation, valuable.
how deeply buried it must be.
how deeply our eyes must see.
how deeply our hearts must yearn.

jynweythek ylow

baby take a stand, for what you believe in.

a teleportation of myself from the future. speaking through me, oh the cruel temptations of tomorrow's breath, sighing on the tense skin of the back of my neck.
you said california, you said texas, you said olympia, you said new york, you said distance, i said distance. we all say distance, hoorah! we all say goodbye, *silence.
this is 18 years of my life.
these are the moments i've collected for permanent stay so far:
mud football & stepping out of shame
the day my father & i chased a rainbow, saw windmill, climbed a mountain, & watched the sun fall asleep
the morning i woke up & drove for an hour just to talk to God in complete silence
the day Pippin showed me he was an angel
the night when my friends & i laid on the dock & look at those dreamy stars
the moment i saw my father cry
laying in a warm bed with a friend listening to "stone in focus" for three straight hours
driving to oregon with jacob
running away to the Horse Heaven Hills with rage in my blood after he said he didn't care for me
the summer my family & i went to manzanita
driving up to santa fe & having to pile in the back of the van
getting kidnapped by ian
drives with my sister, kate on random errands
going with my dad to the river & watching him fish
going sledding with erin in winter of '03
the river with blake & the innertube moment
nicole & i's fourth of july experience
poodle
...this is just a small section

HHH

please listen to music is math by boards of canada while you read this.

i find that today was revitalizing. body, mind, soul.
i ran up that those hills, i drove up those hills, i conquered those hills.
we conquered those hills.
hazy skies couldn't mask the distant horizon, an estimated 250 miles away.
it makes one appreciate the eyes in their tombs of flesh.
forever gazing at the beauty of our world.
pains in the chest after running uphill, haha, even more refreshing & fulfilling.
"where did you find this place?"
"my dad showed it to me."
"oh so when you were little he took you here?"
"yeah, he takes me here a lot, i love it."

i was really glad to be able to share that view with more people.
it makes you reconnect with nature & the ebb & flow of energy around you.
it makes one thankful for each breath they intake, because it's an opportunity, to experience..
the beautiful

the knee cleavage.

strange dreams.
that first time.

an awkward annoying call. leads to another awkward call for favors & pancake lies. transported to my duke in distress as a warm body for his clammy hands to hold.

that dream was so metaphorical of that moment. almost symmetrical in another dimension. i'll warm your hands, feel your breath in the curve of my neck. wonder why your impulses frighten me. like playing a piano, knowing the waves of sound can only be remembered for a limited amount of time. it's better that way, it makes fibs easier to eat & digest; their filth tasting good & pure to the innocent.

such a confusing dream. such a real dream. if i say, "i need to forget it," i know it will only stay longer than desired. why would a thought be planted?

5..4...3..2...1...
never again.

pioneer peter

the gnashing of teeth leaves the jaws tired, the mind ringing, & the eyes of one rolling.

you can say what you want but i know who i am. you can say what you need to say in order to feel dominant.

i have people who have known me for years & years, & i value their opinion so much more than yours.

it's sad that you think it does.

God infuses my soul with a calm understanding, you are a stranger, & He is my friend.
He chooses to give me breath, & that is what makes me important enough to keep on going.
so don't look to me for reactions. you won't find any.